As bird flu gets closer to home, it's important to understand the effects and causes of the disease. Bird Flu is an Avian Flu, spread by poultry and other birds. However, if it mutates into a strain that can transfer from human to human, we have an epidemic on our hands. It is possible to catch bird flu from birds; mainly chickens, if you are in constant contact with them.

So, should you be paranoid that you may contract bird flu? Yes you damn well should. Bird Flu is everywhere, it could even be in your cup of tea, or in your eyes. Check everything, and trust no one. If you suspect something has bird flu, it does. Call the police immediately to prevent side effects such as hair loss and death.

To prevent death, read the following.

If you work with chickens:
Is your chicken alive, walking around, eating, and laying eggs? Does it look like this?

If you answered yes, your chicken has Bird Flu. Bird Flu does not kill chickens immediately, and side effects may include what has come to be known as "theatrical poultry normality". This is where chickens pretend to act normally. If you see this unsuspicious behavior you should run a mile. Then scream and run to the police making sure you inform them that your chicken is acting normally.
Similarly, if you see any humans acting like chickens, e.g. running away from something dangerous, or not completing a dare and/or double dare, there are a few options available for you. One such option is to find the nearest hose pipe and spray them down with cold water. This is the only known cure for bird flu. If you do not have a hose pipe, simply scream at the top of your lungs "THAT GUY HAS BIRD FLUUUUU". Then run.

If you eat chicken
If you bought your chicken at the supermarket, it has bird flu. Supermarkets import from China in order to cut costs (Communism doesn't pay). However, all birds in China have bird flu. Forget what the media has told you; they are lying to maintain control over the public. Think about it, if everyone realised they were eating bird flu, and that everyone had bird flu, no one would go out, and so newspapers and McDonalds would be screwed. There may be a few exceptions where chinese-bought chicken does not have bird flu, so here is a simple diagnostic guide to check whether your supermarket-supplied bird has bird flu:

1. If the bird's feathers have fallen off; it has bird flu

2. If the bird is not moving; it has bird flu

3. If the bird is wrapped up in plastic when you buy it; it has bird flu

4. If your parents or relatives have cooked the chicken in the oven and the chicken turns out hot...you guessed it, it has bird flu (your temperature soars with flu).

5.

This chicken has bird flu

Please people, be paranoid about anything and everything. Your life is at stake, if you sense anything is wrong, throw your food on the floor, hose it down, and call the police. And do some screaming in between for good measure.